Here's To You

Today is a pretty special day. 

Six years ago today I married the love of my life.  Little did I know that December 17^th, 2005 would be the start of an amazing, challenging, eye-opening, challenging, encouraging, and yep you guessed it…challenging piece in the puzzle of my God-given life.  It hasn’t been easy.  It hasn’t been perfect.  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  A question from a book that I read on marriage has stuck with me since the day I read it: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”  **Cue “deer in the headlights” facial expression.**

Once in awhile, Nate and I realize the situation we got ourselves into and recognize the craziness of it all.  Six years of marriage, three years of dating, and one stinkin cute kiddo later, we never had any inkling of this happening 15 years ago.  We knew each other long before we started dating.  We were awkward 7^th graders when we first met.  Both of us would say if we had dated each other in high school, there’s no way in heck we would've lasted.  So we usually thank God for his grace that allowed us to not let our hormones get the best of us ;-) Although, that would’ve been a sight to see…a punky, I’m-too-cool-for-school guy and an insecure, so-what-if-I-pretend-to-be-someone-I’m-not girl.  Um yeah, if you’d like a visual of this description you should see the pictures from our junior year prom that we apathetically attended together.   

**You might want to get your barf bags ready, because I’m gonna get pretty mushy in a second.**

I am grateful that 10 years ago, Nate started to boldly pursue me.  I’m grateful that he kept pursuing me after I shot him down when he first asked me out.

I’m grateful that Nate is the optimistic one in the relationship.  He’s usually the one to put my Debbie-downer attitude in check.

I’m grateful that through major life changes, Nate has led with a love that screams “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

I’m grateful that in my post-partum manic depressive emotional state, Nate continued to love and care for me, despite my ugliness. 

I love this man that God has given me.  We are perfect for each other.  My weaknesses are usually his strengths, and my strengths are usually his weaknesses.  Through Nate, God has shown me so much of myself…the good parts and the ugly parts.  The parts of myself that I’d rather not see, but God chooses to use it to make me more like Him.  I love that over the years we have learned to communicate better, love each other better, and challenge each other more.  I am thankful for Nate’s hard-working nature that provides for me and Livi.

So, everybody raise your glasses…

Here’s to you my one and only love of my life, Nate Miller.  Until death do us part!

And now for a few choice photos from our wedding day six years ago:

Introverted Cinnamon Crunch Lover

It’s Nate’s Monday day off, and I decided to take some time to myself.  I’m currently sitting in one of my favorite chill places.  I have a toasty, delicious beverage, and I just absolutely scarfed down a toasted cinnamon crunch bagel with hazelnut cream cheese.  Any guesses where I am?  Anyone?  Anyone?  If you happened to guess Panara…ding ding ding!  High five!

Wanna know what else?  There’s a couple of people sitting together about 20 feet behind me over my right shoulder that I totally know.  Like I usually see them on a weekly basis.  I’m being anti-social.  As soon as I walked in I spotted them, and I did the ol’ body/head tilt away from their general direction.  After I put my order in, I grabbed a table in the corner near the window, and I strategically sat in the seat that looked out the window…thereby giving the majority of the Panarians (yep, I just made that up!) a splendid view of the back of my head. 

There are just some days I want to be all alone.  Am I being selfish?  That’s a hypothetical question by the way, because I don’t want to see anyone answer that question in the comments below thank you very much.  I once took this personality test and the first personality trait it measures is whether you are an introvert or an extrovert.  So either you are energized by being alone or you are energized by being around people.  Let’s just say I scored a pretty high number for being an introvert.  Now I can definitely schmooze it up when I need to.  Schmoozing is quite an art I’ve learned throughout my life and especially after being in full-time college ministry for 4 years.  I can even, when asked enough times, speak in front of large groups of people.  This not only goes against my introverted personality, but it rips at my fear of public speaking.  There were times, and there will always be times, where I have to exercise my extrovertedness as my introvertedness is screaming within me. 

One of the greatest desires of my life is to influence people for Christ.  When it comes to my introvertedness, there’s a word in that last sentence that makes a HUGE difference.  PEOPLE.  In order to influence PEOPLE I have to be okay with stepping out of my comfort zone.  I have to rely on Someone other than myself for the strength to make that step.  When I am in the place where I have to exercise my extrovertedness instead of my introvertedness I can only run to God and ask Him to show His strength through my weakness.  Yes, I know me being introverted isn’t necessarily a weakness because that’s the way God molded my personality.  But when me being introverted causes me to be selfish?…that’s a different story! 

So I write this as a reminder to myself that there’s a nice balance between being a healthy introvert and being a selfish introvert.  Where is that middle balancing ground?  I don’t know if I’m quite sure I know the specific answer for that yet.  Any tipper-roos are welcome though J !

Coping By Cleaning

Everybody copes with stress/conflict/difficulties in one way or another.  It’s an ugly truth. 

Some people eat (GUILTY!!!).  Some people shop (GUILTY!!!).  Some people exercise (wish I could be found even an inkling guilty for this one!). 

Some people sweep it under the rug, plaster a forced smile on their face, and pretend everything’s a-ok.  Some people busy their lives with countless activities.  Some people, in their conversations with innocent bystanders, make jabs at the one they are hurt by. 

Yikes!  This is getting a little deep!  Let’s move on…

So this past week Nate and I got into a little tiff.  Yes, every couple fights, and it knocks my socks off when I hear someone in a relationship say, “Oh, we don’t really fight” or the newly dating/newly married couple that sheepishly grin and say, “We haven’t had a fight yet.”  One meaty word for you: BALOGNA!  Anyyyyywayyyyy, Nate and I were having a little conflict sesh.  Don’t ask me what it was about because I couldn’t tell you.  That’s how ridiculous it probably was.  So the way I often initially deal with conflict is I ignore it, while playing the situation/conversation in my head over and over.  I stop talking.  I shut down.  And forget about eye contact with me because there’s no way I’m giving it to you.  So, in the midst of this conflict with the hubster I began to clean the kitchen.  By this point Nate had left the room because I was ignoring him all together.  This was happening post-dinner so I had to clean the kitchen anyway.  However, after the dishes were in the dishwasher and the table and counters were wiped clean, I continued to clean.  I proceeded to clean and organize the fridge (which, hardly ever gets done), wipe down the outside of all the appliances, and use the scrubby part of the sponge along with spray bleach to re-wipe all the already clean countertops.  What in the world?!?  I had automatically turned into a mean, lean, cleaning machine in a matter of a few minutes, all the while replaying the conflict in my head.  At some point during my kitchen cleaning quest, I made the connection that I was avoiding the current situation with Nate.  I realized that the conflict I was trying so hard to keep inside of me was bubbling out through the action of cleaning.  Instead of working through the conflict with Nate in a healthy way, I chose the unhealthy route by trying to ignore it.

It’s so hard to actually make the choice to act in humility in the midst of conflict.  It’s just not natural.  It feels so against my own selfish desires.  But that’s just it…I’m selfish.  I want things to go my way.  I want to be the one to always be right.  Sometimes it just feels easier to avoid conflict and cope with it in a hundred different ways instead of the one way that it should be dealt with.  Suck it up and face it head on!  Easier said than done, right? 

The lead pastor at our church often refers to two choices in life: the choice to please God or the choice to please self.  It seems kinda simple.  It seems like the obvious choice would always be to please God.  But can I get an AMEN on the fact that it’s just sometimes easier to please self?  It’s such a constant battle of everyday life: Driving down the road and the old lady in front of me is going insanely slow?  Please God…Please self?  A friend talking trash about another mutual friend or family member?  Please God…Please self?  The babe is clearly doing something she knows she shouldn’t be doing?  Please God…please self?  The house is a complete and utter mess?  Please God…please self?  Someone says something hurtful to me?  Please God…please self.  You get the idea…the list is ENDLESS.  Every day I am faced with multiple opportunities to either please God or to please self.  

Now, I’d love to hear from you on a couple things!  What is one way you have found yourself coping with a difficult situation?  What is one practical way you can choose to please God instead of pleasing self (either in the midst of conflict or just in general)?

Museum Of Play

Mondays are Nate’s day off so we usually try to plan to be together as a family.  Mondays are by far one of my favorite days of the week.  I love having my hubby around.  I love spending time together as a family.  I love seeing Nate give extra lovin’ to Livi.  I love having a bit of a breather from momma-ness because Nate is an extra set of hands and eyes I usually don’t have when he’s working.  So, we decided on Sunday night that we would go to the Museum of Play the following day.  For the non-Rochestarians, the Museum of Play is basically an interactive museum filled with explorative goodness for the little ones.  It’s quite a lifesaver on rainy/cold days that Rochester is so commonly known for.  I actually have a Museum of Play membership high on my priority list for Christmas this year (coughcough grandparentgift coughcough).  Hmm…I must be coming down with a cough or something?  Anyway, we spent a big chunk of the late morning and early afternoon there.  The penny pincher in me made a lunch for all of us so we could make the most of our time and money.  So the first “exhibit” we stumbled upon was good old Sesame Street.  I’ll admit it…I got more excited for the Sesame Street “house steps” than Livi did.  I saw it as a great photo op to start off our museum adventures…she saw it as a torturous, boring beginning.  If she could talk more, I could just see her saying, “Moooooooom!  Don’t make me do this.  Don’t you know Elmo’s World is right around the corner?!”  We moved on quickly.  I loved seeing Livi’s eyes light up as she explored the world around her.  It was extra fun watching Livi play and laugh with her daddy.  There’s something about the times where Nate and Livi are interacting one-on-one that is so very dear to my heart.  Sometimes, I like to just sit back and watch Livi be showered with love from the one man who currently (and I’m sure temporarily…ugh I don’t even like to think of the day she brings a boy home!) holds the key to her heart.  One time (this is a major side note and has nothing to do with the museum but I want to end with this story because it’s a fave), we had finished dinner and while we were all still sitting at the table, Livi was checking out Nate’s face.  She was studying every part of it, and when Nate would say “Where’s my __________?,” she would stick her cute, little pointer finger out and proudly show him she knew exactly what he was talking about.  She found a special interest in his stubbly chin.  She reached her hand out and was ever so gently feeling his facial features.  At this moment, I proceeded to tear up and as soon as Nate broke his gaze with his daughter’s to look across the table at me I swear I thought he thought I was mental.  It was just such a special scene for me to sit back and observe.  I told Nate, through my watery eyes, that I would take a mental picture of this moment and keep it in my mind forever.  Olivia’s not going to be this small, this explorative, this excited about new things for long.  I have GOT to remember to take one day at a time, and love my little nugget with all that I can.